Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
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Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I pray every night that I never become religious…
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*