When I pack too much for a short trip.
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Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp: