Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
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Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
just gave your address to some spiders
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I’m Sold!
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.