Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.