Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
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Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.