Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
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Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
marvel comics have peaked
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Cha-ching is my safe word
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”