her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
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Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I put the h in mysterious.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.