Tough love is true love
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I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
😂😂
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.