WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
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3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Good morning y’all ☀️
These aren’t even hard anymore.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Catercrombie & Fish
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”