Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
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Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
smartest karate player in the world
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up