Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
You Might Also Like
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
What鈥檚 the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
We鈥檙e all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 馃槉馃槉馃槉
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you鈥檙e just some guy
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.