‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
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hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites