Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
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Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
When you’ve simply given up.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.