“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
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they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Why am I like this?
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Cause of death: Zumba
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs