SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
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Monday again. I just knew this would happen
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.