@ConanOBrien

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

@ConanOBrien

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

@ConanOBrien

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

@ConanOBrien

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

@ConanOBrien

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

@ConanOBrien

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

@ConanOBrien

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

@ConanOBrien

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

@ConanOBrien

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.