@ConanOBrien

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

@ConanOBrien

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

@ConanOBrien

I just learned that Tom Hiddleston initially auditioned to be Thor not Loki and that sounds exactly like something Loki would do.

@ConanOBrien

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

@ConanOBrien

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

@ConanOBrien

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

@ConanOBrien

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

@ConanOBrien

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

@ConanOBrien

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”