Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I just learned that Tom Hiddleston initially auditioned to be Thor not Loki and that sounds exactly like something Loki would do.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I think I took the wrong pill from that Morpheus guy.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”