@ConanOBrien

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

@ConanOBrien

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

@ConanOBrien

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

@ConanOBrien

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

@ConanOBrien

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

@ConanOBrien

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

@ConanOBrien

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

@ConanOBrien

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

@ConanOBrien

I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.

@ConanOBrien

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”