@ConanOBrien

One time I wore my brother’s t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.

@ConanOBrien

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

@ConanOBrien

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

@ConanOBrien

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.