Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
You Might Also Like
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I’m not stressed
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
found my next D&D character name
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books