I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
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That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
no refunds
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Welcome
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Carpe DM
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
🤣🤣💀
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”