Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
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On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.