(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
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My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?