*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
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[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
peeping toms
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….