What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
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I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
first you must answer his riddles
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago