My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
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What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Jesus steals the winter solstice
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.