“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
You Might Also Like
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.