summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
You deplete me
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
they finally got him. they got macavity
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”