Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
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When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?