Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
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Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.