*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
You Might Also Like
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me