Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
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hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Always
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness