My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle