You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
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So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Not today. 😅
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I found your tweet-up…
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND