@CornOnTheGoblin

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

@CornOnTheGoblin

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

@CornOnTheGoblin

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

@CornOnTheGoblin

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

@CornOnTheGoblin

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

@CornOnTheGoblin

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

@CornOnTheGoblin

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

@CornOnTheGoblin

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

@CornOnTheGoblin

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove