Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of CornOnTheGoblin's best tweets

@CornOnTheGoblin : girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you'd like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I'd probably make a mess

@CornOnTheGoblin: me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

@CornOnTheGoblin: wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband's trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there's a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

@CornOnTheGoblin: [kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to do that
me: oh i don't work here

@CornOnTheGoblin: [post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn't have yelled "holy moly" when i came

@CornOnTheGoblin: [video of me taking off and eating the toppings first on a pizza]
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

@CornOnTheGoblin: my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

@CornOnTheGoblin: date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what's your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel