Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CornOnTheGoblin's best tweets

@CornOnTheGoblin : [pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello... [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

@CornOnTheGoblin: [walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

@CornOnTheGoblin: Ladies, if he:
- only wants to hang out when he's drunk
- never brings you around his friends
- fingers on his head
- no legs or feet
- always trying to sell you pasta

He's not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

@CornOnTheGoblin: date: [pulls away from kissing] let's move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you're not gonna believe this

@CornOnTheGoblin: [my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor's note if you're gonna be late

@CornOnTheGoblin: girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you'd like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I'd probably make a mess

@CornOnTheGoblin: me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

@CornOnTheGoblin: wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband's trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there's a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no