me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else