girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again