good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”