How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
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Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin