Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
You Might Also Like
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%