HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
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When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
This is my cat’s medicine.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Running from your problems is cardio .
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby