families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
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merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
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Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point