You Might Also Like
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”