If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
You Might Also Like
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying