@CourtneyBale: [making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
@CourtneyBale: Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
@CourtneyBale: Friend: How's the wine?
Me: It's exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
@CourtneyBale: Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
Doctor: I'm afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He's deed.
@CourtneyBale: Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I've got something that'll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
@CourtneyBale: "Excuse me, do you validate parking?"
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
@CourtneyBale: To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You're all going to jail
@CourtneyBale: Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
P: The weakened