“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
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Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
This was a bad idea all around
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
i wish we could shoplift online
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding