very niche meme I made
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Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.