“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
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My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.