In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
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I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.