Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.