Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”